Helping Queer Jews Feel at Home in a Traditional World

David Pernick, A13, came out as gay when he was a senior at Tufts. Like many coming-out stories, his involved a certain amount of hesitancy. But with little idea of what life after graduation might hold, “I realized that if I were going to come out, it would be hard to find a more accepting environment than Tufts,” he recalls.

The difference that a welcoming community can make in the lives of LGBTQ+ people wasn’t lost on Pernick. It’s the motivation behind his current job as director of LGBTQ+ Initiatives at what might seem an unlikely venue: an Orthodox rabbinical school.

The school is YCT—also known as Yeshivat Chovevei Torah. Based in New York City, it’s part of Judaism’s Modern Orthodox movement, yet it embraces a more liberal outlook than the traditional seminaries where most Modern Orthodox rabbis get their training. Pernick works with rabbis, educators, and other community leaders on finding ways to combine LGBTQ+ identity with dedicated adherence to the movement’s approach to Jewish law and practice.

“How can we, in a way that’s in keeping with Orthodox Jewish law, make changes that make it clear to queer members of the community that they are welcome,” he asks, “and that makes every effort possible to keep them in the community?” These efforts could take many shapes, Pernick says, from modifying some life cycle rituals for LGBTQ+ congregants when their identity conflicts with conventional practice; to mentioning of gay rights issues during a sermon; to changing the language used on membership applications.

Another part of his job involves developing expanded LGBTQ+ education for currently enrolled students at YCT.   

In the Orthodox world, “historically, it was not even a question that if you were gay, you were not going to come out, or if you did, you would be cast out,” he says. Among the Jewish communities referred to variously as Hasidic or ultra-Orthodox, who segregate themselves from mainstream culture, this is usually still the case.

The situation is more complex when it comes to the movement known as Modern Orthodoxy, which advocates strict adherence to its view of Jewish law, while participating to some extent within the non-Jewish world. The tenets of Modern Orthodoxy hold that gay relationships and same-sex marriage are not in accordance with Jewish law and gender is considered fixed at birth. Yet there have gradually emerged rabbis and congregations seeking to recognize LGBTQ+ members—albeit often in a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” fashion, Pernick says. 

“Orthodoxy has a narrow set of rules,” Pernick says. “And a lot of people, when they come out, say, ‘This just isn’t right for me.’ But there are also a lot of people who want to stay in their communities, because there’s a lot of support, and love, and strength in these communities that people grew up in.” 

These same people are often frustrated, Pernick says, “when they would have private conversations with rabbis who would say, ‘You’re welcome here’ but actually not display that signal to people in the public sphere.” Pernick says one way to make that welcome visible, for example, would be for rabbis to speak up if congregants or visiting speakers make bigoted comments, and convey that such statements are hurtful and won’t be tolerated.

Pernick, who is studying for a master’s degree in social work, says, “As a future social worker, this is what I’m interested in tackling, allowing people to keep their full identity and to do it in a healthier way.”

Pernick did not grow up Orthodox; in fact, he is the son of a Reform rabbi. He describes his current religious practice as Conservative, referring to Judaism’s Conservative movement, which falls, ideologically speaking, somewhere between Reform and Orthodoxy. After college, Pernick moved to Los Angeles to pursue a songwriting career; experiences working with teens and volunteering for the Trevor Project, a suicide prevention hotline for LGBTQ+ youth, prompted him to rethink his direction.

He’s now enrolled in a part-time social work graduate program at Stony Brook University in New York. He recently finished an internship with Jewish Queer Youth, an organization that provides support for young people from observant backgrounds. 

Pernick is clear that YCT’s project does not do outreach toward those within ultra-Orthodox movements. But neither is the project limited to congregations with YCT-affiliated rabbis. This is a key part of what makes the work unique and effective, he says. “Among rabbis who’d want to make change, what has paralyzed them are social and political disincentives that they are not trained to handle in rabbinical schools.” Bringing these rabbis together, privately, allows them to strategize and brainstorm together.    

“What we want are institutions that LGBTQ+ people and their loved ones can go to throughout the life cycle that will be friendly—a synagogue, a school, even a funeral home,” he says. For example, participants in his program consider how to respond supportively when students come out at Orthodox Jewish day schools. “When a kid comes out, for leadership to respond with a simple ‘We’re glad you told us and want to keep you here. Let’s try to find a way to make this work,’ would go a long way towards assuaging the natural fear of rejection,” he says. “It makes no promises, but simply affirms them.” 

When YCT hosts retreats and other events for rabbis to discuss LGBTQ+ inclusion, the need for increased communication becomes clear, Pernick says. “We hear the same stories over and over again. We make the same mistakes, and we make them in silos, because nobody’s really talking to each other.

“And every one of those experiences hurts people,” he says. “What would it look like if we can preempt that, and lay the groundwork for better relationships?”